My life has changed so much within the past few months hence I have been quiet. Worry not, I have not abandoned or forgotten about you and my blog! It took me a long time to actually come here and write this post because it’s a different one.
I have a confession to make. Somewhere along this path of life, I lost myself! I deem 2018 the best year of myself which is ironic because this the year where I lost everything but I had to lose everything in order to find myself. This is going to be a long and quite personal one so grab a cuppa and a box of tissues. Sit back and enjoy.
From a distance it seemed as if I had it all. But deep down, I was empty; I didn’t recognize the woman in the mirror. I was living a life where deep down I knew wasn’t supposed to be mine.
I was in relationship that wasn’t for me, I was working a job that wasn’t for me, I was alive but I wasn’t living. I didn’t trust myself or my opinion; I was insecure in every aspect. I had forgotten my power and through God himself I found myself. Surely.
It all goes back to when I was a young girl. When we are teenagers we are very impressionable which is so unfortunate because that is when most of our beliefs are formed. As a black child, we are not really taught about self-love, relationships and self-importance.
I had friends who were all lucky in love. By that I mean majority of my friends had what I viewed back then as good and strong relationships and I didn’t. From the time I started dating at 15 years old, I had a string of failed relationships. When we are young we tend to have conversations about what is a good relationship and what isn’t and we build our standards and beliefs from there.
For me my biggest challenge was communication. I would have a boyfriend but the communication bit was fractured. To an extend I was also guilty because I had the mentality that the guy should lead communication as in he should be the one who calls and so forth, but when I tried to rectify that, the rejection I got sent me right back to where I started. Anyway, for me I always found myself being with guys where the relationship was so difficult because spending time together was like trying to put spilled milk back into the carton or calling each other was literally rocket science. I always thought that the guy would change or it would get better but it never did. It was like chasing pavements for real.
Instead of learning from all that, I actually grew more desperate to find “the perfect guy” and that was the worst mistake of my life but you cannot prevent what you don’t know. At the time it made sense which leads me to a point that I had to go through all that in order to be the woman that I am today.
When I met my current ex, I had a mental list of what I wanted in a relationship which was basically rectifying the mistakes from the past and one of the biggest item on the checklist was a guy who communicates. Little did I know that I was focusing on the wrong kind of communication and I was missing the point. Anyway, this guy, checked the box, he called me and texted me; he was always there we spent so much time together so much so that it didn’t make sense for us to live apart it felt like we were paying double rent. However, during those times, I was required to change myself, my views, my opinions and my beliefs in order for this to work. I could not be myself and be with this guy and change I did. It’s important to note that this guy didn’t force me to but he was controlling and dominating and I was so vulnerable and desperate for a relationship that I did. So for the most part I blame myself for losing myself but this doesn’t negate my ex’s controlling and abusive ways. My point is I could have walked away.
From 2013, my life as I knew it started to change. I was a girl who enjoyed being beautiful and glam. I lost that because of the fear that I wouldn’t be “natural” enough for my ex since he loved “natural” girls. I rebelled against this but I couldn’t wholeheartedly because deep down I was afraid to lose him. I am very funny. I have quite a sense of humour and I talk too much, mostly rubbish but with him I couldn’t. We were always together but for the most part, I could count the fun times with one hand. It wasn’t horrible but I feel that we weren’t meant for each other. We were just not for each other among other things.
Most of the things that I loved and believed in were criticized and picked apart. I felt so insecure to even pick a movie because it bruised whenever it was criticized. I know people have their differences but not every single time. I became so defensive myself that I started to sometimes retaliate.
I couldn’t confide within my relationship it just didn’t feel right. I would have rather confided in my friends than to my man at home because I didn’t feel safe enough to be vulnerable without my problems being rejected or even judged.
I didn’t have any of my own friends because we lived his life. Albeit I never really had many friends before I met him, but I had my people but this man was so dominant in my life that in a way he was in control. He would act up around my people the few times we were with them. He always had a headache! Anyway I formed relationships with his friends. Some of them treated me badly in front of him and he did nothing because he valued them more than me because they came first but I took it.
I felt like I am stupid. It is important to note, and I am not trying to be conceited but I am pretty much a genius and I am very wise! I am smart but this man had a way of always putting down my opinions and I believed him. I started to believe that I am not good enough or intellectual enough
I was very insecure in a sense that I didn’t trust my opinion and I didn’t think I was beautiful. I know that it is up to me to decide all that and not some guy but I strongly feel that it is very important for a man to remind their woman how beautiful they are. Just as it is important for a woman to hype her man up.
I lived in a relationship where there was no connection and no friendship. The right type of communication which is talking, connecting and being friends was not there. Sometimes I even stressed and planned what to talk about but when I actually had to execute I actually didn’t want to.
I am a passionate person! I love affection. I am touchy feely, I am sentimental lol I am that annoying person. But I had to let go of that and settle for a relationship that didn’t consist of the above
I have been cheated on a few times and been blamed for it on some occasion. He never apologized or gave me closure even after being caught red handed. I forgave him instantly. I remember an instance where I even apologized. I didn’t want to lose the relationship. I am a fool!
I was often disrespected and discarded.
I was reduced to below zero. I am so embarrassed!
I wasn’t happy at all and all this because I didn’t love myself enough to walk away. He is who he is and did what he did and till today he doesn’t realize why I left. But it was my responsibility to look out for myself and decide that I deserved more. There was a lot to all this but I if I had to share everything, this post would carry on until tomorrow
Around this time last year, My life was filled with panic and anxiety attacks. I was depressed with a smile on my face. I had sleep apnoea (for those who don’t know, waking up at night gasping for air. I would literally skip a breath in my sleep). I decided to see a psychologist and that’s when my life started to change. It was hard and painful! Many would have described this past year as the worst year ever but I see the beauty in everything that I went through. The sand paper effect. I had to let go of things and people that didn’t serve me anymore and that is not a walk in the park. After speaking to my psychologist it was like my eyes opened up for the first time. I started in a journey to loving myself and in order to do that I had to remove myself from certain situations which started with my previous job and then my relationship. I actually sat in the dark this one night and honestly wondered if I am having a breakdown or if I am going crazy but I had this calm inside of me that assured me that everything was going to be okay.
I moved back home. I left everything behind except my clothes. I didn’t have a pay check, I didn’t have friends because everyone I had gotten close to from the past for years weren’t my people if that makes any sense and the most painful part, I didn’t have myself. I started going to church avidly with my mother and sister and I started to pray and wow. I had this strength that I cannot explain to you where or how I got it. Two weeks after being home I felt a sense of contentment. I had nothing but I was content. Slowly but surely I started getting my sense of humour back. I started to recognize the person that I thought had died so long ago and that was a great feeling.
One of the greatest things I gained was self-love. I looked in the mirror and saw this beautiful person, inside and out. I got my pretty back! I felt good! I was happy I was always laughing and I believed in myself and my goals. I recognized the woman in the mirror again.
I have learned so much over the course of this year:
- Never ever live a life based on someone else’s opinions or rules. We are individuals for a reason
- I have learned that you don’t have to change yourself to fit in anywhere. Whether it is your relationships, your friends or work, always surround yourself with people who accept you for who you are and if they don’t, they can go. They are not for you.
- A relationship is not meant to complete you. If you feel incomplete you have no business being in a relationship to begin with. A healthy relationship consists of two whole people
- It is okay to be single. There is nothing wrong with you. Enjoy being by yourself and you will find true happiness
- You do not have to work hard in order to keep or get a man. Period.
- F what you heard, there are no rules to love and if ever you feel you need to play games to keep a man, he is not for you. You cannot persuade and shouldn’t have to keep anyone in your life.
- Be wary of how many “I’m sorrys” you have to deal with and the nature of them.
- You deserve whatever it is that you want. You don’t have to settle for anything.
- You deserve to be happy and to be treated like a queen.
- You and your partner HAVE to be friends. A connection is mandatory and you need to be compatible in every way. A relationship is not meant to be a war zone
I am still a long way from being the woman that I am supposed to be when it comes to self-love but I am well on my way. I embrace my past and will forever cherish it because it has shaped me into the woman that I am today. I forgive myself for the part that I played in losing myself and I forgive him for all the hurt that he has caused me.
I am not sharing this to collect pity points but rather in the hopes that I can help someone out there. I am happy now. I am a phenomenal woman and I love myself inside and out